I was reflecting over the concept of being "constructive". I often keep using this word - "let us become constructive". I value any relationship, person or object if it contributes to my life in a constructive way. Given all that, what do I really do myself to call myself constructive?
Notably here, constructive is not equivalent to being positive. One can be positive (and hopeful) without being constructive in his / her attitude and action. Deliberating over this, I realized that for many parts of my life, I have been positive, but hardly constructive.
I have been undergoing a depressive state of mind for sometime now. Although I feel suffocated, I cannot defy it and move ahead, as everything seems to be out of my control and plain void. My heart kept sinking more and more as I kept pondering over things on and on. I felt lost in pain, despair, and blamed everything that I could, including myself for my current state of mind. I felt that life is extremely unpredictable in its outcomes but typical in its judgments. I thought that what happens to me is more dependent on what people do to me and how my situation is. As I struggled through the dread with not a single arm around my shoulder or tap on my neck, I also almost concluded that people are there just to escape and walk away from there responsibilities and truth - one has to bear all the burden of fear, uncertainty and pain without expecting any healing from outside.
After all these feelings and turmoils however, for nights after nights, I kept breaking apart into pieces which I will collect and tuck into my clothing the next morning.
Finally I have realized that I am both right and wrong, I am making and breaking.
Healing comes from inside. We need to prepare the platform ourselves to attain this internal medicine. We are in a situation based on what we chose to do to ourselves, so both the pain and the healing are originated from within us. It doesn't happen over a cup of coffee or toast of wine unless you have been letting hope seep in you through yester-years, random reads, smiles and glitters. It happens to you only when you realize that it is only you, and it has always been just about yourself - all this pain, hues and cries, heartaches, partings and sleepless nights. And then one day, with a sip of dark coffee, you just retreat to life with some random energy.
Sincerely so far, I have always detested blaming anyone else other than myself for whatever has happened to me. My logic was simple - If a didn't fair well in an exam, it meant that I didn't study well. If I didn't produce enough research or work, I blamed it on my inability or laziness. If I was hurt by someone, I always tried to think that it is so because I have given that person an opportunity or lenience to be able to hurt me. Not that I have been successful all the time, in fact I have cribbed and nagged more often than I can recollect. Also, holding myself responsible for most of the things in my life has the downside of ending up with real low confidence. But it helps me appease and accept things as they come. This is what I call being positive. That's when, you finally accept the pain and take the next step ahead. And thus you throw the tissues away, pull on your winter-coat, grab the to-go cup in your cozy gloves and settle for the unnamed roads humming the long-forgotten tune in your mother-tongue.
I believe in reflecting on a mistake for long, analyzing any carelessness or stupidity of myself, then learning from it and incorporating that lesson in my life in future. I consciously compare my past experience with my present and future while I make choices or take decision. I try to be a learner for most of the part I can - learning from small things around me as well as my experiences. But these beautiful-sounding wise acts are not easy to practice. You are bound to feel choked when you go by and only by your morality, precisely the shoulds and shouldn'ts set even by yourself. I have failed many times in spite of my conscious effort. I have overlooked and forgotten small things which could have mattered a lot in this process. But that's about the whole process again! As long as one keeps trying, they can move forward and grow. That's the healing that comes from within and with utter honesty, I can attest that you have to consciously want this healing to come from inside. That's the constructive part I was talking about. You construct or grow incorporating both positive and not-so-positive things about your past and present to sow a future you desire to reap in time. It's a gradual process, but that's how everything in this world is built. Why would your future be any different?
Small things, I have noticed, play a big role in many grave situations very often. One small act of kindness or maturity, one little control over your emotions can sometimes change your lives. If not for their visible effects, but for the confidence and peace that can be attained from it. Sometimes, just arranging my desk, cleaning my house or dressing up well make me feel so better. Although it might not last very long, but it initiates the necessary kindle - that smile, that attitude, that little fun. I will probably write another post on this soon. As of now... I sign off to a lonely late night only hoping for a better and constructive day tomorrow.
Notably here, constructive is not equivalent to being positive. One can be positive (and hopeful) without being constructive in his / her attitude and action. Deliberating over this, I realized that for many parts of my life, I have been positive, but hardly constructive.
I have been undergoing a depressive state of mind for sometime now. Although I feel suffocated, I cannot defy it and move ahead, as everything seems to be out of my control and plain void. My heart kept sinking more and more as I kept pondering over things on and on. I felt lost in pain, despair, and blamed everything that I could, including myself for my current state of mind. I felt that life is extremely unpredictable in its outcomes but typical in its judgments. I thought that what happens to me is more dependent on what people do to me and how my situation is. As I struggled through the dread with not a single arm around my shoulder or tap on my neck, I also almost concluded that people are there just to escape and walk away from there responsibilities and truth - one has to bear all the burden of fear, uncertainty and pain without expecting any healing from outside.
After all these feelings and turmoils however, for nights after nights, I kept breaking apart into pieces which I will collect and tuck into my clothing the next morning.
Finally I have realized that I am both right and wrong, I am making and breaking.
Healing comes from inside. We need to prepare the platform ourselves to attain this internal medicine. We are in a situation based on what we chose to do to ourselves, so both the pain and the healing are originated from within us. It doesn't happen over a cup of coffee or toast of wine unless you have been letting hope seep in you through yester-years, random reads, smiles and glitters. It happens to you only when you realize that it is only you, and it has always been just about yourself - all this pain, hues and cries, heartaches, partings and sleepless nights. And then one day, with a sip of dark coffee, you just retreat to life with some random energy.
Sincerely so far, I have always detested blaming anyone else other than myself for whatever has happened to me. My logic was simple - If a didn't fair well in an exam, it meant that I didn't study well. If I didn't produce enough research or work, I blamed it on my inability or laziness. If I was hurt by someone, I always tried to think that it is so because I have given that person an opportunity or lenience to be able to hurt me. Not that I have been successful all the time, in fact I have cribbed and nagged more often than I can recollect. Also, holding myself responsible for most of the things in my life has the downside of ending up with real low confidence. But it helps me appease and accept things as they come. This is what I call being positive. That's when, you finally accept the pain and take the next step ahead. And thus you throw the tissues away, pull on your winter-coat, grab the to-go cup in your cozy gloves and settle for the unnamed roads humming the long-forgotten tune in your mother-tongue.
I believe in reflecting on a mistake for long, analyzing any carelessness or stupidity of myself, then learning from it and incorporating that lesson in my life in future. I consciously compare my past experience with my present and future while I make choices or take decision. I try to be a learner for most of the part I can - learning from small things around me as well as my experiences. But these beautiful-sounding wise acts are not easy to practice. You are bound to feel choked when you go by and only by your morality, precisely the shoulds and shouldn'ts set even by yourself. I have failed many times in spite of my conscious effort. I have overlooked and forgotten small things which could have mattered a lot in this process. But that's about the whole process again! As long as one keeps trying, they can move forward and grow. That's the healing that comes from within and with utter honesty, I can attest that you have to consciously want this healing to come from inside. That's the constructive part I was talking about. You construct or grow incorporating both positive and not-so-positive things about your past and present to sow a future you desire to reap in time. It's a gradual process, but that's how everything in this world is built. Why would your future be any different?
Small things, I have noticed, play a big role in many grave situations very often. One small act of kindness or maturity, one little control over your emotions can sometimes change your lives. If not for their visible effects, but for the confidence and peace that can be attained from it. Sometimes, just arranging my desk, cleaning my house or dressing up well make me feel so better. Although it might not last very long, but it initiates the necessary kindle - that smile, that attitude, that little fun. I will probably write another post on this soon. As of now... I sign off to a lonely late night only hoping for a better and constructive day tomorrow.
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