Last night, rather this morning, I had a horrific dream. It was one of the scariest but most realistic one I have ever seen. I cannot share it with anyone, but ever since I woke up, I am not able to divert myself from thinking about the dream. Several people who I know were involved - I could see certain faces and mannerisms very distinctly. But above all, it revealed to me my fear. I have never realized that there's such an amount of fear and insecurity hiding inside me. It was like those dark, gloomy dreams where you see the face of terror. I apparently was attacked by someone who I know very well. Initially I was caught completely shocked and off-guarded even in the dream. But later I started playing tricks realizing I cannot fight it. I was so insecure that I saw that every time I tried locking the bathroom door and hiding in my bathtub (yes, behind the shower curtain - I was that intimidated), the lock opens. I was not able to shut it at all, and at the other side of the door was a terror waiting for me. I knew that, and I could see my self-defense guiding the dream towards my (almost) safe escape. I was making so many mistakes during the process of tricking the attacker. I was trying to reach others over phone without them understanding what I need and having them missed my calls. Finally I escaped and literally was beating the person when he was in calves. But by then the person has changed and it was not even a guy anymore. 


On a morning like this, with the film of rain-water rolling on my windowpane and behind it a view of fresh, young green kissing delicate clouds, I should ideally roll in my warm bed, crouch in my comforter, make myself a mug of hot tea and enjoy nature in leisure. That's what I like doing. But today, I woke up in a stupor and horror. I could not get rid of thoughts and visions about the dream. I saw so many faces, and mannerism of so many people behind that one person who attacked me, and even saw my resorts failing to help me, myself failing to defend and overall, the humiliation I faced......I just can't get over the whole thing.


I don't know if it is the result of my insecurity clogged inside, recent (horrific) experience with a former friend whose malicious behavior (and intentions) left me shaken for days, the real life crime stories I read which gave a picture of how cruel betrayal can be, increasing sense of loneliness and consistent attempts of changing myself - or may be all of them put together....... I just ended up in this dream and I am still shaken, horrified. I need a warm bosom to hide myself and sleep - I am missing home more than ever!